As my due date drew closer and there were whisperings of “ring of fire” and “really bad period pain” being thrown around I got the feeling I was getting the edited version of birthing.
I got the jist it was uncomfortable, but I could have gone to work with a “really bad period pain.” I wasn’t about to rock up to work red faced, screaming and swearing in my boss’ face like I did to a couple on a hospital ‘stork walk.’
Birth was a shock and I remember thinking “why the hell did no one tell me about THIS!? So I have decided to write down 4 things that usually get brushed aside. I have a habit of over sharing too so… be warned.
Not only could you potentially shit YOURSELF ( they say you wont know but you will, ul smell it.Gip!) but the hospital usually wont let you go home until you’ve BEEN for a shit either. Therefore be prepared to make a teary phone call to your eager family who are wondering when you are coming home telling them that you are in fact in ‘poo prison.’
PS. If shit doesn’t happen TO you, you will instead hang over your newborn waiting for the beautiful bundle to do his/her first poo so that you can go home. Literally no one leaves until one of both of you have shit. End of!
2)That doughy ball that is now your tummy. Id heard stories of ladies skipping out of hospital THE SAME DAY in size 8 jeans. I too dreamed of this day which is completely bonkers considering I wasn’t a size 8 before pregnancy and I certainly didn’t SKIP anywhere for at least 3 weeks. (and even then I chose not to cos im lazy.) In fact I kind of did a wobbly shuffle towards the hospital shower. Once naked I was given a chair by someone who I assumed was a nurse but could have quite easily been the cleaner. Whoever it was hosed me down like a zoo animal whilst I sat sobbing, clutching my tummy that now resembled an orangutans belly.
3) Breastfeeding. I thought id feel like superwoman lifting my son up onto my breast for the first time and offering him nourishment like a Goddess. There was nothing super about having 4 people id never met try to cram my newly milk filled boobs into a squawking newborns mouth. They assured me they had succeeded and he was feeding ‘beautifully.’ I personally thought his tongue must be made of glass! However, I did persevere and lasted 19 months, second time round my good old numb nipples didn’t feel a thing, bonus!
4) And finally, Love. It comes at different stages. For me, it was instant. I couldn’t take my eyes off my boys. I still can’t and I don’t think I ever will. Henry and Leo made me a Mum and il always be eternally grateful for getting the greatest opportunity in life to love someone so irrevocably. Babies don’t care how long they were breastfed for or what mummies tummy looked (ok, still looks) like. They just care that I am Mum, or “muuuuummmmmmmm” as they like to yell 5000 times a day these days.
So there you have it. If you skipped to the end of the post, il summerise it for you. Shit may happen, baby will be replaced with flab, you’ll get your nipples chomped on and you’ll fall so deeply in love you wont care one bit.
Love Kathryn, A Mum Like Me xxx